Q: My fiancé and I are together for five years, engaged two. I've met her family (including the adults from the previous marriage) and they are all together very well.
She agreed with me to have children (or at least one) of our own, whether through adoption or other means.
However, she changed her mind. She says she feels guilty because she does not want children and that the children she has (and loves) have never been in her plan.
Her thinking is fair, logical, and self-conscious:
(1) I'm much younger than her. Although this was never a problem for us, she is afraid that she will be too old to see our child grow up.
(2) It has a chronic disease that involves constant pain. She does not believe that she will have patience and energy to raise the child and manage her health.
(3) She works long hours and gives priority to her career. She does not want to change her routine for children, and does not believe that she will have time to give priority.
I can not allow this, as I tell her and me. I know I want a child in the next five years. I love her very much, but none of us is waking up. I do not want any of us to decide something we will later regret and potentially insult the other partner.
Time to Separate?
A: I'm going with Yes, although for you it's a very sad decision.
If your fiancée just refused to have children due to age difference or her job, you would say that she did not respect your basic needs in this decision.
But her health as a real and logical consideration is valid, since raising children requires years of energy and patience.
However, there are people with serious health problems who want a sufficient family to make all kinds of accommodation, and you are well adapted as a young person to take on all the tasks they can not take, especially if her career allows hiring a nanny hours when you are occupied.
So, there is a competitive logic on your side from this decision to change a life … IF it will recognize and reconsider. If not, I believe that you would regret to give up this deep emotional desire, and the division is at least a beginning to know if it is better to move on.
Commentary on the Reader In connection with the live guy who works but no debt is payable (November 29):
"The girlfriend (GF) must insist on knowing the debts of her boyfriend (BF) because they could legally be considered relationships with ordinary laws, where debt is shared.
"Expressing a desire to strengthen their relationship (and to stop torturing him), he can offer to create a budget plan for him, if he is open and honest about his income and expenses (if not, he should be concerned).
"She will then see how much he may be able to manage the debt repayment while there are still some" game "money every pay period.
"Then, the BF took out a credit line (LOC) – enough to cover all debts and pay off immediately. If necessary, his parents can co-operate to get the money they owe.
"It then set up automatic payments from the BF payment account on its payday to LOC, until it dropped to $ 0. It will still be available for emergencies or unexpected large costs.
"He can quickly learn that repayment of debt in time gives both peace of mind."
Ellie is the top of the day
The deep desire to have a child can be negotiated without negotiation and to break a deal for some couples.
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Eli Tesser is a columnist on the Star Council and is based in Toronto. Follow it on Twitter: @ellieadvice